Day 37: My rabbit hole

Sunshiny inspiration.  A tree full of winter birds. A child painting vibrantly.  A day to just be still. All I want to do is paint, draw, and lose myself in my own personal wonderland. Where has the time gone that I no longer remember the way to my rabbit hole? So lost in the seriousness of daily life I forget how to laugh and let loose.  I sometimes crave the easiness of that single life where I had twenty-seven hours to dedicate to just painting a faux brick wall. The time that was just mine to fill.   No worries about dinners, and healthy snacks shaped like Mickey Mouse.  Endless hours to sit out on a porch and let time just slip by. No longer able to be time-zone free, I miss these moments.  I was never a party-girl.  I preferred to sit in coffee shops and read books about famous people and their memoirs. Old enough to appreciate what I had, and yet still young enough to dream of being something bigger than I was.  Countless moments that were never interrupted. Somehow all these vines of adult life have covered the entrance to that little hole that was my escapee home for so long.  Somewhere along the line I have forgotten what it is to truly laugh. I am so caught up in what I should be doing, I forget to actually do them.  Make sense? This is a very difficult feeling to explain.

I really believe that a life without laughter is a wasted one.  I want those moments back and I fear I forget how to just be that person I was for so long, yet so long ago now. I’ve started to re-listen to the music that takes me to those points, and my hubby snarks and tells me to change the station.  He does not quite understand what it’s like to be lost in this journey called motherhood.  Fearing you will never remember what it was like to be you, and that that person is forever lost.   As my mind stirs through all it needs to remember, and wants to remember, there are glimpses of a life that once was.  To be a mommy was all I ever wanted, but then again I never really thought I would lose my entire being in this heavy role.  There is no map, just bread crumbs to follow back to that spot in my life where it was just me.  I know one day I will crave the interruptions. I guess my ultimate fear is that by the time that day comes I will be so lost, I won’t even remember what the bread crumbs looked like.  I have to believe though, that when that time does arrive I will be able to look back and know that I made the best of all those years.

There’s supposed to be an illustration to go along with this post … it’s still unfinished.  I started writing this four days ago … and I have not been in the right frame of mind at night to complete the drawing.  When it’s finished I will be sure to link it back to here.


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